Letter To My Heart

Dear heart,

     I hear you beating in anxiety as I type this letter to you. Do not worry, a rebuke, though painful at times is most necessary for healing, for growth. And I am not just here to rebuke only, but to encourage as well. And in all I say let there be no condemnation because our Lover, our Father, does not condemn, but He is filled with power and authority and corrects us out of love and goodness. So I will try then dear heart to speak not out of guilt nor out of pride but in tune with the Spirit and I pray that everything untrue will be washed away but that conviction (and ultimately I pray transformation) would accompany every truth.

     In my flesh, dear heart, there have been many times I have despised you, have even hated you; I have not realized the gift you are. In my flesh, there have been times when I have held you too dear, not just loving or appreciating you, but wrongfully abandoning myself to you and your desires, agreeing to run away with your newest desire without a question. I apologize, dear heart, for neither of those places are yours, you are a gift to be treasured, but I am to steward you, not the other way around.

Heart, you are deceptive. This is something I must always keep in mind. This is something I must always consider before I consider your words. As much as you try to be, you will never be the seat of truth. The only seat of truth within me is the Spirit, subjected to the One who reigns upon it, from Whom He comes.

Because I love you I cannot let you stay the same, you must be taught, instructed, you must yield to the teacher. But because I know you, I know you will fail, I know there will be times that you will not learn your lesson, and in those times I must hold my ground, I must not be swayed by your foolishness and folly. So, dear heart, realize, this is the foundation of everything to follow, everything written here below.

Dear heart, you are easily lured by beautiful things and tempt me to give of myself for them. Some of these things are clearly monsters in disguise and most of the time I am not blind enough to be deceived by these glaringly obvious traps. Other times, heart, you bid me desire things that are not bad in themselves but can be easily perverted, easily manipulated, or can easily overwhelm other loves. Heart, I know you are naive and cannot, or bid yourself not to, see the harm in these desires that can be noble, can be good; and it is this we really have to address.

Fragile heart, you are drawn by many beautiful things. By flowers, by sunrises and sunsets, by small towns, by gentle breezes, by laughter, by oceans, by bird-songs and porch swings, by stars and by streetlights, by cityscapes, by conversations, by songs, by tea and coffee and sweaters, by something in each season that you find the joy in, by people, by their hearts, by their laughter, by the mischief and sweetness of children, by the beauty of even those who have tried to bury themselves alive or have been heaped dirt upon by life or by others. Oh heart, you have learned well to see beauty, and on my dark days I am thankful you have learned this lesson well. But dear heart, you cannot love beauty just for beauty’s sake, you cannot even love the beautiful simply for their beauty. Even when you see beauty in places others do not be careful not to abandon your heart to this beauty alone.

Remember my dear, beauty exists only because of the Most Beautiful One. Even the best of these are just gifts, not givers. They themselves are beloved things and not Lovers. They can never give you the love you need, even those kindred hearts you find, they will never satisfy. And I know you long for a life filled with kindred hearts, with friends, with a spouse, with dear children, oh how you long, and these longings are not wrong in themselves but they will never give you what you need. These things, these people, should never be to whom, to what, or to where you abandon yourself.

There have been times when you have seen no beauty at all, when the world seems void of all light and life, it is not your imagination that you cannot see it. In these times you do not see at all, but one thing, One, if you would choose to look there. In these times, He is stripping everything else away that you would not be distracted, that you would have no other false lovers to entertain, that you would be allured by no other thing, but that you would see clearly the only thing which is beautiful, He, Himself.

Oh heart, when you have been subjected to frustrations it has been out of love. But graciously, your sight has always been returned by your Lover in your darkest of hours.

Oh heart, have you forgotten your first Lover, your True Lover? These things you are giving yourself to they are gifts from your lover, they are flowers (sometimes literally) and jewels and trinkets that he brings because he loves you and he knows you see value and find joy in these. But, dear heart, let your eyes be open and your mind be unclouded to understand, how much greater, how much sweeter, how much more faithful and beautiful is the Giver than His gifts!

You must look to Him dear one, you must realize He is the only one who can satisfy. These cravings of yours are there for a reason, He has made you to hunger, made you to thirst, so that you might realize Him as the relief for your craving, as the relief for your hunger pangs and the cool water for your dry throat, the only salve that truly heals your wounds. He is the only answer to all of your deepest questions. And He loves you, He desires you. Be subjected, realize Him as your greatest desire, as the only desire that you should allow yourself to be ruled by, the only desire that you should call me to be ruled by.

Dear heart, I know your greatest weakness is that you are prideful. (Not to mention you hold many other secret shames as well.) Others rarely see it, but I know you too well to deny it. I have dug deep enough that I have started to see how truly deceptive you are, even in the way you present yourself. But yes, I know the depth of your pride, I know how it leads you to desire control, how it leads you to desire being correct, how the biggest blow to you is not being competent enough, not knowing how to do something. You cannot fathom that there exists anything which is freely given, and in this way you have failed me poor heart, you have hardened yourself in this way.

You have told me lies over and over again about what love is. You didn’t make these lies up yourself but you believed them and thought you needed to warn me. You wanted to protect me, I understand, but you cannot, that is not your place, you are not my protector. Instead you saw my Protector as a threat, you bid me keep my distance from Him. You told me that His love was no different, that there was a price I would have to pay, that it would have to be earned, just like any other love, that if this love was so great surely the price would be too great.

Dear heart, let me speak the truth that I have learned. Love is not love that must be earned by the recipient. Because love gives of itself in order to be received. There is a price for love but it is always payed by the lover when the love is true. And this Love, this Lover, is no different, for His is the only true Love and He has payed the highest of prices for it to reach us across the greatest divide we construct, against the divide the enemy has told us cannot be crossed. He has already crossed it, on the arms of His Son stretched wide in sacrifice, stretched wide in surrender, stretched wide in obedience, stretched wide in love. So don’t tell me that this love is not true. Don’t tell me that this love must be earned, because it has been given so freely at such a price. Don’t tell me that it is too costly to receive, because every thing I give for this love is taken for my good, everything I give for this love is nothing compared to what I have received. Everything I give for this love, oh heart, let it be my desire to give it and to give it freely because it is all I have to give to He who is worthy of all the riches that could ever be possessed, but who simply bids me to come. He desires above all, not my treasures, but you my heart.

Let Him hold you, let Him caress you, and speak tenderly to you. I know you like to hide from things that seem too beautiful, that seem too good, and I know even though you have already seen glimpses of His radiant beauty that you hide yourself from Him as well. You are frightened, dear heart, that with the ultimate risk for the ultimate Love, from the ultimate Lover, would come ultimate rejection. I know why you cringe at His gentlest touch, at His softest whisper, oh heart. I know why, for so long, you have covered your ears, closed your eyes, and turned your face.

Because even deeper than your pride is your fear.

Your are proud of your self-sustaining, albeit isolating, ways. In those ways there is false strength. In those ways you are untouchable, an impenetrable fortress. You will never open to what you do not choose to let in, and in this way you think you protect yourself. But you are killing yourself by shying away from Life Himself. You are dying a slow death that you cannot recognize because you have chosen to believe lie after lie while hiding yourself from The Truth. You believe within your mock strength there is no room for fear, but fear is at the center of it, behind the curtains, pulling your every string oh you poor puppet.

So, yes, it is time to abandon yourself fully, but not to these lovers who look so appealing, who seduce you so easily, but to the Lover you have shunned, to the one you have long since locked the door on and been content to glance at through only the looking glass before you.

No longer be a slave to this illusion of nearness, to this fantasy of presence. But come back to reality where He is calling to be let in, to embrace you as never before.
In that moment you and I will fall gladly at His feet trembling with a fear that is entirely different from the insidious snake whose lies we have believed. Consumed by the most perfect love we will ever know. And we will joyfully follow, keeping eyes locked on Him, clinging tightly, wherever He leads, whatever it takes. We will heart, we will, no matter if all this has to happen as you kick and scream, no matter if I must fight every step of the way. The Spirit will provide strength and I will gladly use it against you if you choose not to comply, because I love you too much not to, because I am too thankful for you, you are too vital to my wholeness, for me to let you go, and He loves us to much to let you be lost. You will be redeemed and restored sooner or later, and everyday I pray you choose sooner, for you are stubborn to be sure.

But know that even when I am too weak He will always be fighting, He has never and will never abandon us, so don’t hold your breath. Give it to run, to run into his arms.

With Love,

Tiffany

 

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